Stop Being Weird About Polyamorous* Relationships Because You’ve Been Cheated On

You don’t have to like it, but it isn’t your relationship to maintain

• Polyamorous in this means having multiple romantic relationships at the same time, with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved, not to be confused with an open relationship where a monogamous couple is free to engage in sexual, non-romantic connections with new partners.

Let’s set the record straight before any of you try to get buck in the comments because hit dogs holler:

1. I am NOT in, attempting to be in, nor am I attempting to convince anyone to participate in a polyamorous relationship.
2. I have experienced infidelity, but I have never cheated on a partner.
3. I am not attempting to “explain” “promiscuity”.
4. I have been in monogamous relationships exclusively and that is what I prefer, however I am not dating at this time and can look at relationships objectively.

Now that we have that clarified so you don’t run in here, keyboards blazing, hollering about me “disrespecting monogamy” or whatever….

I can’t deal with the immediate dismissal of polyamorous relationships. Again, I am not trying to convince anyone to do anything they are not comfortable with, but adults can not even have a simple discussion online without naysayers coming in denouncing the relationship structure as a gateway to cheating.

The thought process is if you give your partner an inch (one other person to date/sleep with with your permission), eventually they’ll take a mile (several other people to date/sleep with WITHOUT your permission).Which is an odd theory, because people in monogamous relationships cheat all the time, and yes, people in polyamorous relationships cheat as well. If a relationship where having access and restriction to and from other lovers can both be subjected to infidelity, what is the issue? Your shitty partner.

Many of us have been cheated on, there’s probably a cheater or two reading this article. Cheating is always a reflection of the cheater’s character and personality type. An individual that is often self-centered, self-serving, and impulsive to name a few. Spare me the stories of the misunderstood, neglected cheater that only cheats because their partner won’t give them the love they so desperately long for. Most people cheat because they are unhappy, but aren’t prepared or honest enough to leave their current relationship for whatever reason. Please spare me the reasons why they don’t leave, most of them are selfish and based around convenience more than anything.

As you can see, the descriptions of cheaters has nothing to do with they TYPE of relationship they are in, it has to do with how they behave in a relationship. A person who lives that type of life, displaying that type of behavior, has issues with boundaries and respect. Monogamous, Poly, Gay, Straight, any race, any gender — -it won’t matter how they get down with their partner(s), they’ll cheat because simply they want to.

If character is the determining factor for whether or not a person is going to be faithful in a relationship, why do polyamorous relationships catch so much flack?

INSECURITY.

I don’t mean that to be a jab, but it is true. People are uncomfortable with the concept of a lover having another lover (or several) because for most of us we experience a third person (or several) in our relationship in a way we did NOT consent to. It is easy to project negative ideas on a situation that reminds us of hurt, betrayal, and broken trust. We don’t believe that polyamorous relationships are “real” or “healthy” because we are taught that monogamy is the ideal relationship structure, the only true way to express commitment and love, even though it continuously fails many couples. The idea of an outside person breaks away from the hetero-normative idea of love, romance, commitment, marriage, and even family. It is unfamiliar and feels unsafe. The goal is to meet your soulmate, fall in love, get married. The finding “The One” and ONLY one is supposed to be the ultimate goal and our solidifies our (assumed) sense of desirability and (assumed) sense of stability for our relationships from an emotional standpoint. Polyamory literally fucks with that notion.

How can you love and commit to me fully if there is another person that you engage with?

What happens if they fall in love with another person and love the new person more than they love me?

Love is viewed as something that is in limited supply. Ideas about soulmates and true love are always discussed with the framing that one person absorbs all of your love or is your one perfect match. I don’t think that is the truth for everyone. Some people vibe better getting to engage with different people that meet different needs romantically. I really don’t see the issue, as long as the person is honest, fair, respectful, and sets clear boundaries and expectations — -like you should be in ANY relationship. Without trust and respect, your relationship will fail, whether there’s two or ten of you. Can polyamorous relationships be more complex? Sure, probably, especially since there’s more people, I am just not convinced the complexity makes the relationship structure more likely to fail than a monogamous relationship experiencing the same issues.

I can understand how and why people participate in polyamorous relationships, even though I am not personally comfortable with the concept. I can speak to someone about their polyamorous relationship with respect and honor their union as is without projecting my issues on to it, because I am an adult that recognizes that not everyone has my experience and doesn’t have to adhere to my comforts for a relationship I am not even apart of.