I Plan On Marrying For Money and Social Capital

Go Argue With Your Mom

I plan on marrying for money and social capital. Fight me.

Listen, I am a straight woman so if I get married, I will be marrying a man. Even with the strides in equality, especially in interpersonal relationships where more and more heterosexual couples are sharing domestic responsibilities, the majority of the housework and child-rearing still falls on the woman.

Many husbands still have unconscious biases when it comes to how their marriages are supposed to function. Even if they want things to be “split” or “equal” (which really only applies to financial responsibilities many times) because we have been socialized to expect women to perform domestic duties, it almost happens naturally with most couples not even noticing it. Many wives are also mothers, and most mothers work now-a-days, so in addition to working outside the home, they often come home and have to perform domestic duties for their husband and children. The assumption is having a modern husband that helps around the house makes things easier, however an article was just released about a study that stated husbands add seven hours of housework to a woman’s week. Being a wife is a lot of labor, physical, domestic, emotional, mental, and dammit if I am going to enter into this legal agreement with a person it is going to have to add to my life. How can you add to my life? Financially and socially.

I already have a child and have the flow of being an unmarried parent down. He’s a pretty cool kid and helpful. Yes, it is a lot of responsibility being the primary caretaker of a small human while working full time, but the thing about raising kids is this: it is temporary. He won’t be four years old forever. Eventually he’ll be an adult and I will resume life without being responsible for a child. If I get married, hopefully it will be until death do us part.

I mention already having a child because a top reason for people wanting to get married is because they want to have children and they want to have those children with a spouse. Well it didn’t work out like that with me and my son’s father, and I am thirty-one and missed the big wave of everyone getting married. So here I am and I have completed one move that most couples want to complete together: having a child. In addition to being a mother, I am currently pursuing running for office in my hometown and other professional goals around community development and equity, and needless to say that keeps me pretty busy.

The “biological clock” pressure doesn’t apply with me, I have a loving support system in place for my child and I, I work full time and receive consistent,unwavering financial support for my child’s needs from his father plus I can afford a stable life for us on my own terms. Why should I rush getting married unless someone could drastically increase my financial or social access? Serious question. I will wait.

I want to run for office, that takes connections and money. Fundraising and getting endorsements is one of the main responsibilities as a candidate. Experienced political figures will tell you that fundraising is easy if you have built the right relationships. If I was going to get married, it would have to be to a man that could expand my social network of people interested in supporting my professional goals. I only know so many people, and if he can bring new people to me and bring me to new people, that would be a major benefit to my life, even if he was adding seven hours of housework to my week.

It may come off as superficial, but also keep in mind, I am not actively searching for someone to marry to try to expand my financial and social profile. I have no issue working and providing for myself and my household or working to reach my professional on my own. I am not luring someone into a marriage under false pretenses only to use them for what they can “offer”. I would still be an honorable, loving, supportive wife and be the type of spouse I would expect him to be. I am only stating a trait I would want in a husband, if I chose to get married.

It is radical for a woman — -especially a Black woman, and unmarried mother — -to say she would only enter a marriage for social, financial, professional comeuppance because we are supposed to be soooooo excited a man picked us to be his wife for the sake of being married. You’re supposed to marry a “good” man, but the qualifiers of what is “good” can’t be your own, they are dictated on what is seen as “good” by society’s standards. Marriage was created as a beneficial arrangement from the beginning, the most consistent component being financial stability for women and heirs/children for men. Women more and more have been taking care of themselves and needing to be a wife for stability is a thing of the past. What is the point of being married if you cannot elevate me — -whatever I consider elevation?

From a romantic standpoint, I would like to date more. Honestly. I would love to have a passionate romance and have those needs fulfilled in my life. However, none of that has to happen within a marriage for me. Like I said, I am a mom, so we are clear that my virginity is non-existent right? As Miranda Hobbs from Sex and The City said when the bridal shop sales associate kept bringing her white, “virginal” wedding gowns, “I have kid, the jig is up”.

Now I know this will ruffle feathers because a lot of us think a man doesn’t really love you or isn’t truly committed until he marries you, the strange part is someone can be “committed” in legality and still not be committed in practice. You can be married and that person can still not be supportive, loving, or monogamous for that matter. They aren’t mutually exclusive.

My idea of marriage is a partnership that enhances your life officially and legally. If there isn’t going to be an upgrade then what are we really doing? Do you move, change jobs, change hairstyles, change anything about your life if there isn’t going to be some form of enhancement for yourself? Why should marriage be any different?

If you feel more comfortable being married, regardless of what I said, please don’t take this as a marriage-bashing article, please feel free to do you and what makes you feel COMFORTABLE.

I will continue to make space for Mr. Right, even if I don’t want to be a “Mrs.” at this moment, but please note, if you slide into my DMs I will be sending you a fundraiser link.